Chris Jones's Anatta Breakthrough
I recently had a breakthrough where the remaining solidity in my experience and the subtle sense of being an awareness dropped away. It felt strange, like this has been there all along but was somehow missed, and extremely satisfying. For over a year prior I was having non-dual glimpses, but couldn't stabilize it. In fact there was nothing to stabilize, the nature of the thing trying to stabilize and judge this experience just needed to be seen clearly.
Initially there was some fluctuation and fears about the old way of perceiving things coming back, but for over 2 weeks now the insight has been stable. It’s clear that there has never been any separation at all and no agent all along. Not even a separate awareness, consciousness or knower in any subtle way. Just vivid and translucent sensations, no center point or solidity whatsoever, but even those sensations are totally unfindable and lack any inherent existence. My reactivity and negative emotions have reduced considerably. There can still be pain and discomfort in the body, for example being tired from lack of sleep or having a cold is definitely not pleasant, but there is much less worrying about it and more just living in the experience. Everything feels very high definition, when I’m walking I’m in awe at the texture and colour of everything whereas before I would be in my world of thoughts about myself and ignore what’s around me.
Most importantly I no longer have any doubt in the dharma, and I feel very motivated to practice recently. Not sure if that will change, but just sitting in silence and noticing all the sensations is very enjoyable. For now, I’m just enjoying the lack of separation and desperate seeking, but I’ll probably start investigating emptiness and total exertion more soon. I’m also interested in getting more involved in Dzogchen and/or Mahamudra, but still not sure which tradition or lineage I align with the most yet. Been going through Crystal Clear again and other texts to see what feels relevant now.
Another aspect that isn’t talked about much here is gratitude. For the past few weeks I’ve felt immense gratitude for coming across this community and all the hard work Soh Wei Yu and John Tan have put into the guide/blog, as well as coming across the dharma in this lifetime.
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Anatta
Chris Jones
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